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Have you ever gotten into something only to find out it was different, more complicated, more difficult, and yet more rewarding than you expected? If your mind leapt to a particular course in school, or maybe a job, you’re not alone, but if you thought of MARRIAGE, you’ve pinpointed the topic of today’s blog. We’ve asked one of our Elders, Pastor Betsy’s husband, Elder Roger Rumer, to share some of the lessons he’s learned, frequently by doing things the wrong way first (according to him), along with what God teaches about marriage and how applying Biblical principles leads us into better marriages than we may have thought possible.

Now, if you’re single, which God commends by the way (see I Corinthians 7:8, 32-35), please don’t tune out because you might find that the principles still apply (plus a surprise toward the end).

And if you’re wondering, “just what the heck is an ezer kenegdo?”, we’ll get to that later.
 

Roger writes: I courted Betsy relentlessly after meeting her in the spring of 1979 and quickly discovering she was especially adorable…and feisty, plenty feisty. Since she was an exchange student to Dartmouth from UC San Diego for just one term, not only did she bring the mystery of a California girl to this Western PA guy, but we had to date long distance for over two years until she graduated, and we wed in the summer of 1982. (Since we spoke on the phone at such length every day we were apart, we were worried that a representative from AT&T might stand at our wedding to object to our union on the grounds of lost revenue.) In retrospect, although I’d visited her in California and she came east to Pittsburgh so we could “meet the parents”, whenever we visited, we were still in the rosy glow of the infatuation stage of our relationship. When we got married, let’s just say there was plenty to learn about each other and how to get along after the glow had dimmed.
 

From almost forty years on, the small things we disagreed on seem silly. How could we, in our first year of marriage, disagree over such small things like what kind of peanut butter to buy? These issues seemed like a big deal at the time. I mean, how was I, a smooth and creamy Jif guy, to know she was a chunky Skippy kind of girl? However inane this looks in retrospect, this is just an example of how I expected her to conform to my ideas and she did the same in return.

Well, one of the expectations Betsy had was that I would grow up and stop the “partying” I had done in college. And while this was, in retrospect, a perfectly reasonable expectation, the trouble was I was a young alcoholic that saw her request as an unreasonable demand and framed HER as the problem in my mind. Let’s just summarize the next few years by saying I lied, cheated, and otherwise treated her miserably until the consequences of my alcoholism/drug addiction led me to seek help starting in 1985, and treatment after a two-month plus relapse in the spring of 1986. Betsy had moved out for her own well-being and, though supportive of my recovery, was rightfully wary of whether I would get and stay sober.

Fortunately, I was brought to the point of begging God for help and became willing to do what I was told and, thank God, have been sober since. But back on “day one”, as Betsy referred to the day I got out of treatment, everything was touch and go with a whole lot of damage to face. I had thought Betsy was the problem when in reality, I needed to make (with God’s help) a lot of changes in myself and in the way I approached our relationship.
 

Within the next few years, we attended a marriage retreat facilitated by Rev. Hetz Marsh and his wife Barbara, a couple I knew and respected since they had served as youth ministers at the church I attended in high school. Early in the weekend, I was flabbergasted when Hetz and Barb framed our role as spouses as “to help our mate grow closer to God and into being the person God intends them to be.” I had unconsciously thought was Betsy’s job was “to make ME happy” in our marriage. Sounds foolish, I know, but that was my self-centered expectation. Looking back, I’m thankful Hetz and Barb described marriage as an opportunity for me to bless Betsy instead of unconsciously expecting her to serve me.

Now, remembering that principle and learning to live it out is something I’m still trying to do better, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.
 

In Genesis 2:18, we read how God recognized Adam should not be alone and made him an “appropriate helper” (translated from the Hebrew ezer kenegdo). The phrase ezer kenegdo describes an aspect of the character of God, as well as God’s intention for the partnership between men and women. The term ezer is derived from root words meaning “to rescue,” or “to be strong.” The word kenegdo translates to “equal” and appears in the Bible only in Genesis 2:18. While modern translations interpret the Hebrew kenegdo as “appropriate helper,” we can see Eve is the equal partner to Adam, with both created in God’s image and reflecting God’s power. (For more on this examination of the term and Genesis, check out David Freedman’s article, Woman, a Power Equal to Man in Biblical Archaeology Review here).
 

For me, the key teaching as to how I should love my wife is found in Ephesians 5. While centering on verses 22-24 might have been tempting, my instructions as a husband are found in verses 25 to 27:
 

These verses are a humbling reminder that I should be giving myself up as my contribution to God’s work of making my beloved holy. And the funny thing is, when I do so, I’m happier than I was when I was expecting her to “make me happy”.
 

“Good, Brave Mate”: I noticed a big shift when I, having given up the fallacy that “she was the problem”, started to think of Betsy as my “good, brave mate.” God gave me the ability to see the positive things about her, especially her courage and nobility in being willing to do hard things as we tried to grow in our relationship with each other and God. I continue to ask God to let me see her as He does, created in His image, and “adorable just because”—and the more I look, the more I see.

Speaking her “love language”: Betsy and I benefited greatly from the Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, which describes the five ways in which people feel loved and helps you identify which way makes you feel the most loved. I learned that not only was I making the typical mistake of trying to express my affection for Betsy in the ways I wanted to receive it (Doh!), but also that Betsy’s primary love language is “acts of service”. Having learned that she feels loved when I do things for her, simple acts like unloading the dishwasher in the morning or doing an errand or other chore so she doesn’t have to can take on a new meaning. Who knew showing love could be so easy!

Staying curious:Staying curious about Betsy’s inner life is important for me; not just to give up the illusion that I fully know her, but also in recognition that she continues to grow and change. Sometimes, I have to physically restrain my male urge to try to fix things, but I love what I learn when I ask questions like “how did that make you feel?”

Where did you see God today? One of our favorite things to do when we’re talking before we go to sleep is sharing our “moments of joy” or “where we saw God today”. Not only do we get to share the really meaningful things from our lives (which may have otherwise gone forgotten), but what we recall becomes seed for prayers of gratitude—a wonderful frame of mind before sleep.
 

After describing the depth of spiritual unity between husband and wife in marriage in Ephesians 5:28-31, the Apostle Paul reframes the discussion in verse 32 by writing, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” WHAT? In this one short verse, I believe Paul invites us to think about Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection as the way He gave himself up to make us “holy and blameless” and to bring us, as a body of believers so beloved as to be considered Christ’s bride, into spiritual union with God.

So, whether you’re married or single, this is the very good news. Jesus, God’s own Son, came to serve us, to help us grow closer to God and into being the person God intends us to be. And in loving us first, Jesus frees us to love others as we have been loved.

For more on God and marriage/romantic relationships, check out these videos on RightNow Media. We hope you’ll We hope you’ll also reach out to us with questions or if you want to talk more about this subject with one of our pastors or staff members. Just send us an email!